Overview of Narcissistic Abuse

 The Narcissist is a "nightmare dressed like a daydream" 

Here is a musical illustration and introduction to narcissistic abuse:

Taylor Swift - "Blank Space"

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This music video illustrates and brings to life the kind of abuse we are talking about here. The  emotional damage to the victim is invisible. It is made visible in this video through the use of symbols.

The song describes the three predictable (to those who understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder), yet completely unexpected (to the victim) and devastating phases of narcissistic abuse:

1. The Idealisation Phase  
2. The Devalue Phase 
3. The Discard

Narcissistic abuse is a fight for your sense of reality

It is a battle between reality and truth on the victims side, 
versus 
the narcissists need for positive or negative narcissistic supply to uphold his false grandiose self-image.

It's all About the Narcissistic Supply  

Richard Grannon - "One principle to understand all NPD behaviour"

  

What is Narcissistic Supply?

The Little Shaman Healing

In this video The Little Shaman Healing explains what exactly narcissistic supply is and why it is so important to the narcissist.

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Narcissistic Deception and Future Faking

The narcissist deception/ Ben Bradley/ TEDxNaperville on youtube

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           The Narcissist Does not Want to Live in Reality

He has a  false grandiose selfimage to maintain.  
While the Narcissist has an unrealistic view of himself, he has a very realistic view of others.  His "cold empathy" allows him to spot other peoples vulnerabilities and weaknesses, as well as their wishes, needs and desires very accurately. 

Essentially the narcissist has the victim believing, that the narcissist is the most fantastic thing on two legs or the biggest victim. He achieves this during the idealisation phase at the beginning and he uses any means available to him, including lies and deceit to create this illusion in the victim. 

The narcissist lacks empathy. 

He is an actor, a con artist, a chameleon who becomes the person the target is looking for. The narcissist monitors the victims responses closely and gives the victim whatever it takes to give him/her an emotional high. The victim gets addicted to these highs, as the narcissist takes control of the victims feelings. Once the victim is hooked in and emotionally addicted, the narcissist starts testing and exercising the power he has gained over the victim. Positive narcissistic supply is attention and admiration. 

But the narcissist wants more than just that from the victim. He also wants an emotional punching bag and a scape goat to dump his own unwanted bad feelings and flaws into. The victim is slowly managed down. The narcissist wants to put someone lower than he is, to make himself feel better and to feel powerful and significant. The bad feelings created in the victim are negative narcissistic supply to the narcissist and make him feel powerful, important and "better than". Narcissistic supply fills a void inside the narcissist. 

When the victim is no longer deemed a sufficient source of narcissistic supply, the victim is replaced with a new source and discarded in the worst possible way, to yield plenty of negative narcissistic supply. The more devastated the victim feels, the more important, significant and powerful the narcissist feels. The narcissist tries to leave a hook inside the victim and also refuses the victim closure, so that the victim cannot move on. 

Later the victim may be hoovered back, if/when the narcissist is low on supply and a new cycle of idealisation phase, devalue, discard and hoover begins.

Inner integration - "Did this happen to you? You are not alone. There is help available."

Inner integration explains in this video how emotionally abusive realtionships start out as something that looks very nice at first and then gradually turn abusive.

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 Recognising and Avoiding Narcissistic Abuse  

              How to avoid narcissistic abuse right from the beginning !

                                 Flattery vs. Compliments

From the minute you accept the first flattery and idealising attention from the narcissist at the beginning of the idealisation phase and enjoy all the attention he/she gives you, you are buying into the "game". 

You are handing over your own inner sense of approval of yourself to the narcissist, giving the narcissist power over you and your feelings.

It is the beginning of being lured out of reality and into the narcissists version of reality! 

Inner Integration - "Flattery"

Abba - Angeleyes

Lyrics:
it's a game he likes to play
Look into his angel eyes, 
you'll think you're in paradise 
and one day you'll find out he wears a disguise 
he'll take your heart and you will pay the price

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          These Videos Explain how Narcissistic Abuse Works

Assc Direct - "Narcissists Like To Strip Away Your Virtues"

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Assc Direct - "Why The Narcissist Hates You"

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The minute the victim sees through the BS of the narcissist, the victim is in - at least - emotional danger, because the narcissist will want to punish the victim for this.
Emotionless criticism from the victim (or in other words: a plain statement of the facts, which he doesn't want to hear), can ignite his fury (cold fury: like a silent treatment; or heated fury: like breaking things, or maybe even physical violence).


This song drives the point home that the narcissist is a deceiver and a liar.

Henry Rollins - "Liar"

A musical summary of narcissistic or psychopathic abuse, driving the point home, that the person is a liar, all the way through from the idealisation phase, through the devalue phase and the pain caused in this phase, to the discard at the end, including the insincere promises to change, when the target is ready to leave.

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The narcissist carries plenty of hidden fury or rage and jealousy inside him. His lack of compassion can make him merciless in causing pain and destruction to the victim. Especially once the victim inevitably and accidentally ignites this fury, by causing real or perceived narcissist injury. The victim, who is often the narcissists nearest and "dearest", becomes the narcissists lighting rod for all their unprocessed negative feelings, that they refuse to take responsibility for.

The narcissist will also be slandering the victim to the surroundings to discredit the victim and anything the victim may tell others about him and his behaviour towards the victim. He has already done his best to isolate the victim from supporting other people during the "relationship" or the interaction.
He needs to uphold his good as gold public facade. He wants to emerge from the interaction without a stain on his character or public persona, smearing and slandering the victim. While the victim is still reeling in shock and "on the ground", the narcissist has already begun his smear campaign and set his flying monkeys after the victim.

                                    Further Explanations

Assc Direct - "Narcissist Never Forgive, They Only Resent You"

This video explains the hidden rage a narcissist feels, once narcissistic injury has occurred and the relentless, merciless side of the narcissist and how a narcissist enjoys causing pain and destruction for the victim.

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1. The Idealization Phase

At first the victim is agreeing with the narcissists reality about his grandiose false self and thinks the narcissist is wonderful. The target is providing him/her with plenty of positive narcissistic supply. 

The victim loves the narcissist,  the narcissist loves the way the victim admires and loves him.

Dionne Warwick - "I'll Never Love This Way Again"

This song can be used to illustrate the way the victim feels at the end of the idealization phase and the beginning of the devalue phase.

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2. The Devalue Phase

Revenge for narcissistic injury or for a lack of narcissistic supply.
Later when the victim starts to see the first cracks in the facade/mask of the narcissist, the victim and the narcissist start to disagree and the victim provides the narcissist with less positive narcissistic supply. 
The victim still loves the narcissist, knows him better now and is beginning to pull towards a more realistic view of things. The victim will sooner or later ignite the narcissists fury by causing narcissistic injury. The narcissist is displeased with the victim as a good source of positive narcissistic supply and starts to extract negative (!) narcissistic supply from the victim. He disorients the victims realistic view of things. The narcissist has rage, jealousy, anger, feelings of worthlessness, that he needs to find a scape goat, emotional punching bag, or lighting rod for.

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HG Tudor, Knowing the Narcissist - "But Why?"

In this video HG Tudor explains the behaviour from the narcissists point of view. The devalue phase starts, because the victim is not giving the narcissist enough positive narcissistic supply. The narcissist sees the victim as an appliance, which is no longer working the way it should and gives it a "kick" to make it work in a different way and to yield negative narcissistic supply.

The narcissist purposefully generates confusion and hope, which stops the victim from leaving, because the victim wants:
1. to know what has happened to make sense of it
2. to make things right
3. the wonderful golden period back again

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3. The Discard

Dionne Warwick - "Heartbreaker"

This song, can be used to illustrate what the victim feels like after plenty of devalue and just before the discard.

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These relationship dynamics lead to nowhere good and end in the narcissist replacing and discarding the victim, unless the victim manages to get out during the devalue phase. 
It is made very difficult for the victim to leave and get out during the devalue phase, because the narcissist monitors the victims responses and feelings and gives the victim just enough spoon-fed small emotional highs and hope or confusion, to stop the victim from leaving.

The victim ends up devastated and broken hearted. The narcissist finds a new source.
It is very important for the victim to figure out, that he/she haven't actually lost something real, to start healing some old wounds he/she may have and to understand what just happened to avoid getting ensnared by a narcissist again.

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4. Hoovering

Hoovering is where the narcissist tries to win the victim back, because maybe things aren't going so well for the narcissist and he or she is in need of some narcissistic supply. 
He or she either wants to get the victim back for a new round of idealisation, devalue, discard and hoover 
or
 wants to at least get some either positive or negative narcissistic supply from the victim, after the victim has begun to recover slightly and is beginning to move on. 

The purpose of hoovering is to get some more narcissistic supply from the victim.

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Withstanding a Hoover and Going "No Contact"

Christina Perri - "Jar of hearts"

The video shows the narcissist feeding off his victims emotions. The narcissist needs and is addicted to narcissistic supply. At the end of the song, the narcissist crumbles without narcissistic supply!

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Seeing Through the Narcissist and Withstanding a Malign Hoover

                      Narcissistic Supply: Attention, Energy

                  Lyrics: You just want attention, you don't want my heart

A hoover designed to create negative feelings in the victim, which is negative narcissistic supply to the narcissist. It is designed to leave a hook in him, to make him unable to move on and come to a point of closure. This makes the narcissist feel significant and important. 

Charlie Puth - "Attention"

The narcissist has no empathy for what she is doing to the victim. She is also slandering him to the people in his surroundings. The slander serves multiple purposes: revenge, hoover ("because you knew that I'd call you up"), upholding her positive public facade by discrediting the victim. The video also shows the narcissist raging and giving the contrasting sweet treatment and mean treatment.

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Idealize and Devalue 

Idealize and devalue are the two main ways a narcissist relates to a person, leading to the narcissistic cycle of abuse: Idealization phase, devalue phase, discard, hoover, cycle repeat. This last song addition is in answer to the comment of October 17. Thank you for the comment!

Keith Urban - I hear you knocking 

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