Observing a Narcissist in Action

This is an example of a narcissist and the chaos he causes to the people in his surroundings

This example shows the narcissist (Mr.Wickam) charming and good looking, pretending to be the victim, while villainising the true victim and slandering him. It shows the love fraud, the entitlement and the jealousy of the narcissist. The flattering attention from the narcissist and the sudden discard.

It also demonstrates the narcissists creation of the double bind situation, isolating the victim (by inviting her to do something outside of and against societies rules), the public shaming and blame shifting, the lack of empathy and responsibility and a cptsd-breakdown because of the stress of the narcisssist's double-bind situation.

Some of the typical elements of narcissistic abuse are not demonstrated in the story:
There is no mention of the narcissists addiction to narcissistic supply, nor does the story demonstrate the full pattern of the abuse or the projecting of the narcissists own negative feelings into the victim or the idealize and devalue or the emotional addiction to the narcissist, but it does show very clearly the chaos and confusion caused to quite a number of people who come into contact with the narcissist.

Jane Austin: Pride and Prejudice 

The 1995 TV series with Collin Firth as Mr. Darcy. It is available on Amazon prime.

Typical Elements of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse does not only occur in romantic relationships, but in any relationship a person is in with a narcissist. It can also be between parent-child, teacher-child, between friends or colleagues.


The story shows a narcissist in action: the love fraud with three victims (Lydia and Mr. Darcy's sister Georgiana and an engagement to Miss King for her money), the slander of his previous non-romantic victim (Mr. Darcy).  Mr. Wickam has a huge sense of entitlement and is very jealous of Mr. Darcy. He lies and deceives, uses charm and flattery and is a victim player.
He is described in the book as a man "to whom every female eye was turned" when he entered the room. Which means the hook he uses to bait his victims is that he is very attractive, like a somatic narcissist.

Red Flags of Narcissistic Abuse

1. Cold Empathy and Manipulation

The narcissist scans people for their flaws, weaknesses or vulnerabilities and is very good at spotting them. This is called cold empathy. Then the narcissist uses these vulnerabilities against the victim.

Both Mr. Darcy's pride and Elisabeth's prejudice are used by the narcissist (Mr.Wickam) as the cracks and the entry points for his manipulations.

Mr. Wickams slander of Mr. Darcy to Elizabeth is so successful, because Mr. Darcy comes across as very proud and has hurt Elizabeths feelings with his pride, by (at first) thinking she is not pretty enough and not high ranking enough for his attention. This has caused a prejudice in Elizabeth against him.

Mr. Wickam uses her prejudice, and deepens it with his slander and lies.

Mr. Wickam's slander causes a lot of damage to Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth and it takes a long time to fix these problems between them.

2. Slander

The minute Mr. Wickam befriends Elizabeth he starts grooming her, by slandering his previous victim Mr. Darcy and presenting himself as the victim instead.

Note the flattery, before he starts the slander of Mr. Darcy:

"Indeed I find the society in Heartfortshire quite exceeds my expectations."
(meaning: "It is wonderful to be in your company, Elizabeth.")

and then the implied contrast:
I (Mr.Wickam) think it is wonderful to be in your company.
Where is Mr. Darcy (Mr.Bingley's friend)?
What? So he thinks your company is beneath him, does he !?

He actually frames the entire slander with the same flattering sentence before he starts the slander, and when he has finished it.

The truth:

Narcissistic abuse often includes the following:

1. inviting a victim out of their own integrity or societies values
2. isolating the victim
3. using someones love against them to exploit them
.

3. Lack of Empathy

His lack of empathy is described by Lizzy, when her uncle is hoping things aren't so bad and he thinks that "the temptation is not worth the risk".

Lizzy replies: "Not perhaps a risk in his own interest, but I do believe him capable of risking everything else!"  

He could not have picked a more vulnerable family than the Bennetts and his elopement with Lydia even threatens their survival, because the scandal in those days would have caused none of the girls to be able to marry, but they must marry because their house is entailed to their male cousin and working was not an option for them.

4. The Bait

Charm, good looks (Somatic Narcissist), intellect (Cerebral Narcissist), victim (Victim Narcissist)

Essentially the narcissist uses any tool or quality available to him/her as a hook or bait and ultimately for obtaining narcissistic supply.

So it's basically about being "great" in some way or being a victim.

Mr. Wickams "greatness" is that he is meant to be exceptionally good looking and very attractive to the young ladies. He is very charming and pleasant to be around and has the smooth manners of someone who has grown up in an upper class environment.

5. Speed of the Relationship

Elizabeth likes him, is flattered by his attention and feels lucky to be chosen by him. She also feels sorry for him (he's a victim), so she starts trusting and believing him and forms a bond to him faster than she normally would.
She trusts and believes Mr. Wickam very speedily. Very early after having only just met him and faster than is reasonable, given that she hardly knows him.

Her sister Jane tries to warn her: "Yes, but Lizzy, after so short an acquaintance, do you think we should believe in him so implicitly? ... I believe you like  Mr.Wickam" (and that is why you are biased and not being objective)

Mr. Darcy also tries to warn her:

"Mr. Wickam is blessed with the happy manners (charm) which enable him to make friends, whether he is equally capable of keeping them is less certain !"

This is a pretty good sum up of a narcissist !

On the other hand victims may stay trapped in repeating the abusive cycle for a very long time, even decades! Closing yourself up to a hoover after the discard and going no contact is essential to breaking out of a repetition of the abusive cycle.

A narcissist wants to move fast to hook the victim in and gain power and control over the victim before the facade crumbles. 

By the time the victim starts seeing the cracks in the mask, the victim is hooked in in some way that makes it harder to break up (like e.g. the narcissist and the victim have moved in together, have committed to a project together, have married or there is a baby on the way) and has become emotionally addicted to the emotional highs the narcissist generates in the victim.

Take it slow is a good rule of thumb to keep a person safe from a narcissist, especially if it's an interpersonal relationship.

6. The One Person Cult 

Next victims are hard to warn by previous victims. 

The narcissist has managed to discredit his victim Mr. Darcy with his slander and victim playing and groom his next victim Elisabeth into not believing the warnings and true statements coming from other people about the narcissist. Miss Bingley tries to warn and protect her, but is not believed. Warnings are coming from Miss Bingley, Mr. Bingley and Jane and Mr. Darcy.

A narcissist is like a one person cult and convinces a small group of people around him, that he is in some way great or special or a victim. (Really it's any quality or characteristic that gets him his narcissistic  supply.)
Those people could never believe the dark side of the narcissist, because they are taken in by the facade or good as gold persona that a narcissist cultivates.
That is why narcissists tend to polarises people. Some people are taken in by the facade, others see through it. Those who are taken in by the facade are usually so impressed, like cult members and very difficult to warn, because they just don't believe it and are brainwashed by the narcissists act and under the spell of the feelings the narcissist creates in them.

If the relationship is more distant, a person might never see the narcissists true colors.

Like Mr. Darcys father: Mr. Darcys father thought very highly of Mr. Wickam. That is one reason he supported him at school and gave him an inheritance. He never saw his dark side at all.

Or like many people in the small town. Mrs. Benett: "Mr. Wickam who half the town was mad in love with - all the time a villain!"

After Elizabeth has seen through the narcissist she says about the two men:

"I'm afraid (= I think) one of them (Mr. Darcy) has all the goodness and the other (Mr. Wickam) all the appearance of it."

This is the narcissists facade of appearing to be something he is not.

7. Polarising people

Narcissists tend to polarise people, in that there are people in the narcissists life, who either think the narcissist is absolutely great or the narcissist is completely awful.

This is because the narcissist is essentially a one person cult with a small circle of people around him, who he has been able to convince that he is either very great or very kind or altruistic or any other wonderful quality, or alternatively a victim.
And then there are the others outside of that circle who can see through him, or are previous victims who have been mistreated, abused and "banned" by the narcissist. Those people will have a very negative opinion of the narcissist.

8. CPTSD-Breakdown induced by the Narcissists Double Bind

Mrs. Bennet has a CPTSD-breakdown. CPTSD = Complex post traumatic stress disorder. Also sometimes called CPTSR= Complex post traumatic stress response.
A CPTSR-breakdown is quite common after narcissistic abuse. She doesn't get much sympathy and it is presented as over the top, but the situation she is put in is extremely traumatising.

The narcissist sometimes creates these double bind situations, where a person can neither move in one direction nor in the other direction.

A person cannot do a thing and cannot not do it. 

There seems no way out of the situation. A victim feels unable to move and feels powerless, which is what makes it so extremely stressful.

In this case the double bind is that neither solution is the way to move foreward.
The solution of Lydia not marrying Mr. Wickam is not possible anymore without ruining the future of the other familiy members and threatening even their survival and the solution of her marrying Mr. Wickam seems impossible to achieve and if achieved, would result in Lydia being unhappy for the rest of her life.

A double bind is much more stressful, than other stressful situations, where a person can at least know which direction to move in and try to form a plan.
It's being stuck and helpless/powerless which is so awfull and causes severe stress symptoms, like
waking up at night crying out or waking up with the heart racing, or even not being able to get out of bed anymore for a few days etc.

9. Double Bind 

The following definition of double bind is taken from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

"A double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which an individual (or Group) receives two or more conflicting messages, and one message negates the other. This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other (and vice versa), so that the person will automatically be wrong regardless of response. The double bind occurs when the person cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither resolve it nor opt out of the situation."-Wikipedia

Effect of Narcissistic Abuse on Mr. Wickam's Victims

The story demonstrates some of the effects of narcissistic abuse: the shock of it and the betrayal, a CPTSD-breakdown and the general chaos and upset caused to those who come in close contact with the narcissist. 

Narcissistic abuse often includes the following:

1. inviting a victim out of their own integrity or societies values
2. isolating the victim
3. using someones love against them to exploit them
.

1. Mr. Darcy

Mr. Darcy is Mr. Wickam's main target (although Lydia is the victim with the most personal damage).

Mr. Wickam is jealous of Mr. Darcy's wealth and also of the real bond Mr. Darcy is able to form with other people.

He targets the people who are close to Mr. Darcy in different ways:

- Mr. Darcy's sister Georgiana
- Mr. Darcy's future wife Elizabeth
- the sister of his future wife Lydia
- He also indirectly causes pain and grief to Elizabeth's sister Jane.

People close to the victim are often in some kind of danger from the narcissist. This is a huge problem for a victim of narcissistic abuse and can cause a victim to self isolate.

Mr. Darcy suffers repeated attacks on his happiness and has to spend significant time, energy and even money dodging those vicious attacks on him and on those people in his surroundings who he is (or wants to be) close to.

He gets slandered and has the people in the small town turned against him (flying monkeys), including his future wife Elizabeth and very nearly didn't get his future wife, because of Mr. Wickams slander.

Darcy's trust in general is also a little damaged or reduced by his experience saving his sister from Mr. Wickam's love fraud and may have impacted his decision to distrust Jane's honest intentions and suspect a love fraud, where there was none, when he took the decision to separate Jane and Mr. Bingly. Making him further look like "the bad guy".

Although Mr. Darcy gave Mr. Wickam the inheritance (or -as requested by Mr. Wickam- the financial equivalent of the inheritance which Mr. Darcy's father wanted Mr. Wickam to have), Mr. Wickam felt entitled to more. After using all the money up, he demanded more. The narcissist felt entitled to more and tried to take revenge for being denied.

Saying NO to a narcissist is usually a dangerous thing.

He tried to get more, by tricking Mr. Darcy's sister into agreeing to an elopement (love fraud), or in other words exploiting her love and using her love against her, to rob her of her money (in england in those days all the wife's money went into the legal possession of the husband at the time of marriage). The narcissist has no compassion either for Mr. Darcy's sister or Mr. Darcy. After Mr. Darcy caught him in time and stopped him, he made sure to slander Mr. Darcy where ever he went.

2. Elizabeth

She at first made an escape of the narcissist, by being suddenly replaced and discarded by him, for the sake of Miss King who had more money.
She is lucky, because she found she didn't care too much about him after all, but she still likes him enough not to think badly of him, even after this behavior.

But then Mr. Wickam targets her sister and the effect on her life and everyone around her is very nearly ruinous. Even the families survival is threatened, because of their vulnerable situation. Their fathers estate is entailed away to the male cousin, which means they must marry since they have no money and no house once the father dies. But no one would marry them after the scandal with her sister.

Effect on Elizabeth: potential heart break from being suddenly replaced and discarded. Potentially ruined life through the scandal involving her sister and not being able to survive with no house and no money, if not one of the girls is able to marry. Near loss of her future husband Mr. Darcy and the good life he has to offer.

Elizabeth is at first turned into a flying monkey by Mr.Wickam's slander of Mr. Darcy, but comes to realise the mistake.

3. Jane

Elizabeths sister Jane suffers more indirectly, from Mr. Wickams abuse of Mr. Darcy. As explained above, Mr. Darcy's trust is damaged, causing him to suspect a love fraud, where there was none.
The decision to separate Jane and Mr. Bingley is for the most part driven by fear for his friend and is a reaction to previously experienced abuse.
This mistake makes him look very bad in the eyes of his future wife (Elizabeth).

3. Miss King

Has a lucky escape. Gets engaged to Mr. Wickam, who is after her money, but gets saved and protected by her uncle from this love fraud.

4. Lydia

Lydia is his most obvious victim. She is persuaded out of societies values, by eloping with him. Persuading a victim out their own integrity or societies values, is a typical element of narcissistic abuse, as it automatically isolates the victim from support.
Quote from Elizabeth: "She has thrown herself into the power of Mr. Wickam."
Lydia herself is still in the idealization phase of the relationship with Mr. Wickam, because she still thinks he is great and this endears her to Mr. Wickam.

Effect on Lydia: She cannot be saved or even warned. She wouldn't listen or believe it anyway, because she is still in the idealization phase. If she did see Mr. Wickams true colours, it would only serve to turn him against her and start off the devalue phase, because it would cause narcissistic injury to Mr. Wickam.

Darcy has compassion for the Bennett family and loves Elizabeth. Mr. Wickam exploits that love and compassion to his advantage. Darcy has his arm twisted  (actually he even has to chase and beg Mr. Wickam to take the money as a bribe to marry Lydia ! ) into giving Mr. Wickam approximately  10 000 pounds, which should have been enough in those days to buy at least three houses.

Blame for Mistakes and Shame After Narcissistic Abuse

Quote from Jane: "Lizzy I feel I am to blame, for it was I who urged you not to make Mr. Wickams conduct known and now Lydia is suffering for it."

If they had decided differently and decided to try and expose Mr. Wickam's true character, their sister Lydia might have been warned and might not have eloped.

Jane made that decision, because she felt compassion for Mr. Wickam at the time and because they thought no one would believe it anyway and that he would be gone from their small town soon.

Quote from Elizabeth: "You are not to blame, no more than I or Mr. Darcy or anyone else deceived by Mr. Wickam.  Others are culpable, not you !"

This is important to remember after narcissistic abuse:

 "You are not to blame, you were deceived !"

The abuse is not your fault !