A malign hoover is an attempt to secure negative narcissistic supply.
The narcissist is either just after a dose of narcissistic supply, or wants to get the target back into a relationship with them.
In brief this is the way the relationship with a narcissist goes down:
- The Idealization Phase: Hooking the target in by creating as much positive emotion in the target as possible, mirroring the target, emotionally addicting the target, gaining power and control over the target).
- The Devalue Phase: Abusing the target, getting negative narcissistic supply as well as positive narcissistic supplyfrom the target, sweet and mean treatment, spoon-feeding the target smaller emotional highs, to keep him/her around and unable to leave.
- The Discard: The narcissist discards, when s/he has found a new source of narcissistic supply,
or the target leaves when he/she has had enough.
Maybe the narcissist misjudges how far s/he can go in this balancing act of the "sweet and mean" treatment, which is alternately spoon-feeding emotional highs and abusing and the target decides to get fed up with these "games" and leaves. - Hoover
Charlie Puth - "Attention"
This is an example of a hoover which is happening shortly after the relationship has ended. The hoover is not working, as the target recognises that the narcissist is simply after narcissistic supply or attention.
"Attention"- in a way narcissistic supply is a fancy word for attention.
"Running around throwing dirt on my name, cause you knew that I'd call you up" - This is an example of a malign hoover and the narcissists slander of the victim.
"Showing up at a party that the target is attending" - is an example of a hoover
Slander of the victim accompanies the devalue and discard phase. During the slander the narcissist pretends to be a victim, while villainising the true victim. The narcissist has done all this before. She needs to maintain her public image so that she can secure future narcissistic supply through new victims. Internally she also needs to maintain her false grandiose self-image. She avoids accountability for her actions.
The more devastated the victim feels about the end of the relationship with the narcissist, the more powerful and important she feels. She doesn't want the victim to recover and find someone new.
This is another example of a hoover. This hoover is happening after the relationship has been over for quite some time and can be called a "reengagement". This hoover is working.
The target has been hoovered several times and knows that the idealization phase has never lasted, but has turned into devalue and discard.
Yet the idealization phase has left a crack that can be opened again and again by the narcissist. She knows just when to call, just when the target has got back on his feet and is about to get over her for good. The narcissist comes back into the victims life.
"Jessie - you always do this every time I get back on my feet!"
The victim is helpless, because the idealization phase is so wonderful and he is lonely trying to get over her and emotionally addicted to her.
The music expresses his feelings of loneliness and the ache and longing for love.
He knows he will get hurt again and his life will get disrupted again, as he has experienced several abusive cycles before. But is unable to withstand the wonderful idealization phase and isn't aware that this is an abusive cycle.
"Tell me all about our little trailer by the sea...doesn't that sound sweet (ideal). Your dreams are never free, but you can always sell any dream to me."
The narcissist creates an intense emotional experience, an emotional high. This emotional high turns into the devalue phase and leads to the discard. The hoovering is the beginning of the next round of the abusive cycle: Idealize-devalue-idealize-devalue-idealize-devalue. Each round of the abusive cycles can get worse.
He is pulled back in by the next idealization phase.
Getting back together with the narcissist is a mistake - and he knows it.
Joshua Kadison-Jessie
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
This cycle of abuse diagram is on the webpage Thrive after abuse, by Danahttp://www.thriveafterabuse.com/cycle-of-a-narcissistic-relationship/
Hoovering
Hoovering is where the narcissist tries to win the victim back, because maybe things aren't going so well for the narcissist and he is in need of some narcissistic supply.
He either wants to get the victim back for a new round of idealisation, devalue, discard and hoover.
or
he wants to at least get some either positive or negative supply from the victim, after the victim has begun to recover slightly and is beginning to move on.
He either wants to get the victim back for a new round of idealisation, devalue, discard and hoover.
or
he wants to at least get some either positive or negative supply from the victim, after the victim has begun to recover slightly and is beginning to move on.
Assc Direct - The Truth About A Narcissist Hoovering You
Withstanding a Hoover and Staying "No Contact"
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