The red flags of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are there from the beginning of any interaction with a narcissist and are actually very clear. Even though narcissists are usually very covert at the beginning of the relationship, the signs are still there. The trouble is not, that they are hard to spot. The trouble is, that we don't know what we are seeing and we get confused, because we are unfamiliar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We are missing a very basic piece of information. We don't have a map of NPD to match our experience to.
Like the man in the sketch below, we don't know what we are seeing and we are focussing on the wrong things, because we don't know that these emotional vampires exist.
We aren't seeing something that could be so obvious, if only we were trained to look for the right signs.
There is not much awareness of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it is not common knowledge.
If Narcissistic Personality Disorder was common knowledge, many people could be spared their very unfortunate experiences with a narcissist.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is June 1st.
Narcissists are Emotional Vampires
Why is the Narcissist Sometimes Called an "Emotional Vampire" ?
Mainly it's because of the way the narcissist feeds off the victims emotions and energy. The positive and also the negative emotions, leaving the victim emotionally drained.
The narcissist's need for narcissistic supply is because s/he needs to fill a void inside his/her soul.
The narcissist's need for narcissistic supply is because s/he needs to fill a void inside his/her soul.
The narcissist is not really living, because s/he is not living life as his/her true self, but has a grandiose false self.
Narcissistic supply upholds the false self image.
Emotionless criticism hurts the false grandiose self and puts cracks in it.
(Like holding up a mirror/or like shedding light on the truth.)
Emotionless criticism hurts the false grandiose self and puts cracks in it.
(Like holding up a mirror/or like shedding light on the truth.)
If there are too many cracks in the false self, it can crumble and the narcissist is left without his/her protection mechanism. This feels very threatening to the narcissist, as if s/he is disappearing.
The Little Shaman Healing - Narcissists are like Vampires
The Emotional Vampire
When we don't know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, we are like the person in this sketch.
The sketch is not just fun to watch. It also demonstrates in a humorous way, the need for awareness and understanding.
He does not know that these vampires exist and because of this he is completely missing the red flags, that would have otherwise told him what he was dealing with.
The sketch is not just fun to watch. It also demonstrates in a humorous way, the need for awareness and understanding.
He does not know that these vampires exist and because of this he is completely missing the red flags, that would have otherwise told him what he was dealing with.
A bit of Fry and Laurie - The Letter
1. Narcissistic Supply Feeds the Narcissist
Positive emotions of the victim, like admiration and attention are positive narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply fills a void inside the narcissist. If and when the other person is not filling up that void/ need inside the narcissist with enough positive narcissistic supply, which the narcissist needs to uphold the false grandiose self image, then the targets negative emotions, will also serve the purpose.
Negative emotions can be even better, because the narcissist can put someone else lower than where s/he is emotionally and that can make the narcissist feel a little better. Punishing and scapegoating someone else is also like a lightning rod for all the narcissists bottled up negative emotions and it feels good to the narcissist to make someone else suffer, like s/he did, when their original trauma took place and put his/her own bad feelings into someone else. It is like a lighting rod for the narcissists inner fury about what happened to him/her. There is also plenty of jealousy in a narcissist. Jealousy of other people, who know how to be happy and know how to love and who have true emotional bonds.
Toxic shame makes a narcissist feel that their true self isn't good enough or is "bad". Hence the grandiose false self.
The true self of the narcissist stopped growing or died, at a young age during childhood.
The difference between toxic shame and guilt:
Toxic shame: "I am bad".
Guilt: " I did something bad."
2. Emotionless Criticism is the Opposite of Narcissistic Supply
Emotionless criticism is like holding up a mirror to a narcissist, or like shedding light on the truth.
The criticism must be given without emotion (!), because criticism given with emotion is negative narcissistic supply.
Emotionless criticism is the opposite of narcissistic supply and puts cracks in the false grandiose self image of the narcissist. This is narcissistic injury and can ignite narcissistic rage. The narcissists rage can be in the form of cold fury like a silent treatment or heated fury, like anger, raging, throwing or breaking things or even physical abuse.
3. Truth and Reality are Sacrificed to Upholding This False Grandiose Self
A narcissist wants to avoid the truth and stay in their version of what they twist reality into. A narcissist is like a one person cult and the false grandiose self must be worshipped and believed in.
One theory about how narcissism develops is, that the narcissist was abused and spoiled in childhood. A narcissist feels entitled and is selfish. There is an unwillingness to look at their own issues. Everything is projected onto and even into the other person. This is much easier than dealing with their issues and it is a "quick fix"or "the easy way out".
This works for the narcissist (at least in the short term), just not for the person at the receiving end of this treatment !
The narcissist feeds off someone elses emotions to keep the false grandiose self image inflated and to fill the void inside and can project all his/her negative issues into the target.
This serves the propose of gaining negative narcissistic supply and of not having to deal with their own issues. It also relieves the narcissist's jealousy.
The narcissist feels bad, if the target
- is noticing that the false grandios self isn't real
- is criticising the narcissist (without emotion ), which is damaging the false grandios self image
- and/or the narcissist can't get the same "high" from the targets positive narcissistic supply anymore.
If the narcissist is feeling bad, the target gets the blame and is punished. The narcissist starts trying to take negative narcissistic supply from the victim.
If the victim comes to an understanding of what is going on and of what s/he is dealing with, then the victim can stop the narcissist's attempts to feed off the victims negative emotions, by not giving them the reaction.
Responding instead of Reacting
Inner integration- Responding vs. Reacting Quick Guide to Dealing with a Narcissist
4. Turning Everything Round on the Victim
Basically the narcissist takes his own flaws or negative emotions and puts them in the victim, makes the victim feel what he is feeling, puts the victim even lower than where he is emotionally and then feels relieved and a little better: "It's YOU, not me!"
When the victim can hand it back to the narcissist and say "No, that IS you and it is not me at all !" That is when the victim can see, that this is emotional abuse and can protect himself/herself from it.
Not accepting the narcissists projections causes narcissistic injury and ignites narcissistic rage.
By pointing out a truth that the narcissist doesn't want to hear or doesn't want to deal with, or that doesn't make him look or feel good, the other person is putting a crack into the narcissists false grandiose self image and the narcissist cannot tolerate that. It must be stopped and punished.
If the narcissist cannot stop the cracks in his grandiose false self image, the cracks spread and the narcissist crumbles.
1. fix the narcissistic injury by extracting negative narcissistic supply from the victim
2. intimidate, so that the victim stops the narcissistic injury
3. if intimidation fails, then to punish the victim for stepping out of the narcissists twisted version of reality and insisting on reality and to prevent future narcissistic injuries
5. Exploitation of a Persons Love and Trust
Narcissistic abuse is abuse without mercy or empathy and an absolute exploitation of the other person and also a complete betrayal of their trust. But it works for the narcissist (in the short term). The narcissist is in the relationship for their own self interests and is not very concerned with the other persons interests.
At the beginning of the relationship during the idealisation phase, the narcissist hides their narcissism more, later on the traits are more and more out in the open.
In the movie I posted on the movie page, the narcissist says to the ex-girl friend: "Why shouldn't I leave you, if you can't give me what I want" The narcissist has no love and no caring for a person. The narcissist is selfish and out for his/her own gain.
The narcissist will even go so far as to put you down by introducing a third party. For instance by saying something like this to a stranger or anyone slightly related to either of the first--"Well, this guy here is always doing something wrong. We have to keep a eye on him. You know how women/men are." Not only did the narcissist devalue you, but slandered, and quite possibly put self-doubt into the third person whom you do not know or barely have a relationship with. This could always be brushed aside as humor or "I was only kidding." For me, this would often occur in the work place. It never had occurred to me that this was abuse or a way for a narcissist to lash out because they felt threaten. And now that I'm understanding more about cluster B's, I can definitely see this as a Red Flag.
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