Observing a Narcissist Taking Narcissistic Supply

In the movie "Holiday" you can see a good example of

A Narcissist Taking Narcissistic Supply From a Victim

This is a link to the videoclip which is on youtube - The Holiday- Iris:"I know how you feel"

In the movie the character Jasper is taking narcissistic supply from the main character Iris.

Positive narcissistic supply is admiration, attention etc. Negative narcissistic supply is negative attention or in other words: the victims negative emotions that put the narcissist in the center of the victims focus. Narcissistic supply is very much about power and control.

The Holiday (2006) Trailer - This is a link to the youtube video/ trailer put up on youtube, by Movieclips Trailer Vault

This movie is a comedy and fun to watch. It may seem a little paradox to see an example of narcissistic abuse in a comedy, since narcissistic abuse is such a dark thing, but if a person is trying to recover from narcissitsic abuse, laughter and a sense of humor, can be much more helpful than watching a dark movie on the topic, which might promote a feeling of dispair and powerlessness. Despair and powerlessness are feelings the narcissist wants the victim to feel. A narcissist also wants a victim to feel punished.
That is why laughter and a lightheartedness can assist the healing process as well as illustrating certain aspects of narcissistic abuse.

Inner Integration - The Big Picture of Narcissistic Abuse

Inner Integration explains in this video that there is a predictable pattern to narcissistic abuse and that once you are able to step back and see this big picture, you can let go of the obsession that comes with the cptsd after narcissistic abuse of desperately trying to figure out and understand all the individual incidences that happened. Once you get the big picture of narcissistic abuse, you can let go of all that.

1. Idealization phase

The idealization phase is already over and has been for at least three years, when the movie story starts.

2. Devalue phase

In general a narcissists devalues when the narcissistic supply he is getting from his primary source is no longer enough for him to satisfy his addiction to narcissistic supply. 

This happens inevitably sooner or later and is not the victims fault.

The narcissist is now looking to fill that gap. He does it either by taking negative narcissistic supply form the victim or by looking elsewhere for extra narcissistic supply.

This is one of the reasons why narcissists generally tend to cheat on their partners.

The main character Iris suddenly found out that Jasper was cheating on her and ended the "relationship", but this didn't end the devalue phase ! 

Even after the official end to the relationship, Jasper continued taking narcissistic supply from Iris and continued managing down her self esteem and making her more and more unhappy.

He is able to do this, because the idealization phase is generally so "wonderful" and the cheating so out of the blue, that it is hard to get closure. So many unanswered questions and she can't sleep at night wondering what went wrong, feeling confused and obsessing about trying to figure the narcissists behaviour out.
Jaspar knows Iris can't suddenly switch from being very much in love due to the idealization phase to suddenly not caring about him. Jasper strings her along with flattering attention and hope, just enough to keep her attached to him and to keep her delivering the narcissistic supply, by putting him in the center of her attention and giving him plenty of positive and also negative narcissistic supply.

The narcissist is nice, flattering and attentive, every time the victim is getting over the narcissist and walking away and is uninterested when the victim is hooked in and interested in him. This is about power and control. 
For more information about this see the blog page: The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse.

This is called spoon-feeding just enough "love" to keep the victim trapped and unable to leave or move on.

It's confusing to the normal person, because it's very hard to see WHY someone would give these mixed signals. The ultra confusing part is, that the narcissist seems (and is) very serious about not wanting to lose the source of narcissistic supply.

So the narcissist is telling the victim " I don't want you, but you can't go, because I really want and need you !

translation:

I don't want you: The narcissist don't care about the victim and doesn't even know how to care about a person or how to form a real two way bond with a person. A bond which includes compassion/empathy. The narcissist is exploitative and abusive.

But you can't go, because I really want and need you: There is a huge void inside the narcissist, which s/he needs to fill with other peoples positive and negative attention/emotions (narcissistic supply). The narcissist is hopelessly addicted to narcissistic supply and crumbles, if s/he doesn't get it, so the narcissist really doesn't want the victim to leave and take away access to his/ her drug (narcissistic supply) ! The narcissist also needs a scapegoat to dump all his unwanted negative feelings, childhood traumas and issues into, which s/he refuses to take responsibility for and deal with. He needs to make someone else feel lower or worse than he does, to make himself feel a little better.
So it's really important to the narcissist, that the victim doesn't leave until, the narcissist is ready to  discard the victim on his/her terms and with a replacement or new source of narcissistic supply lined up.

The narcissist doesn't want the victim and isn't interested in the victim as a person, but is very interested in the victim as a source of narcissistic supply.

It's all about the narcissistic supply  

Richard Grannon - "One principle to understand all NPD behaviour"

3. Discard

The Special Events are Often Used by Narcissists for Increased Impact

The discard is done at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way, to get as much negative narcissistic supply from the victim as possible, so that the narcissist can feel important, powerful and significant.

In the movie the narcissist Jasper discards Iris just before Christmas. The special events are often used by narcissists for increased impact, so that from now on every Christmas the victim thinks of the narcissist. Or when she thinks of her Christmas, it is the narcissist she thinks of and remembers and not the special event. He is taking away her special occasion and putting himself in the center of her attention instead.

He sets the discard up for maximum impact on her.

He hides behind plausible deniability, to pretend he has done nothing other than announce his engagement, but he sets up the situation for maximum shock, devastation, public humiliation and loneliness for Iris.

The shock is maximised, because he "forgets" to mention to her that he is getting engaged and that he is about to announce his engagement.

He not only "forgets", he also relaxes her and gives her a little hope by his flattery and attention right before delivering the blow, while collecting a very thoughtful and well selected Christmas present from her, without giving her one (exploitation).

He has everyone looking at her and watching her, while he delivers his blow, which he knows is going to come as a shock to her and is going to devastate her, adding public humiliation to her feelings of shock and devastation.

No one protects her or even notices the covert abuse, which adds loneliness to the mix of her negative feelings.

The more devastated she is, the more significant and important he feels. He is feeding off her negative emotions. Narcissists lack empathy.

This is called taking negative narcissistic supply from a victim.

Now you can rewatch this video clip, aware of the pattern and the big picture of narcissistic abuse. 

This is a link to the videoclip which is on youtube - The Holiday- Iris:"I know how you feel"

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Narcissistic abuse can be so very covert, that it is hard to put your finger on if it's even abuse at all, or just accidental, coincidental or a misunderstanding etc.

To the outsider, who may just observe one isolated incident and may not want to believe someone could be so systematically manipulative, cruel and merciless to someone else, this one incident the outsider may have observed, may look like an innocent misunderstanding.

But when all the incidences are put together, the pattern of narcissistic abuse emerges. The book Psychopath free Recovering from emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, sociopaths and other toxic people, by Jackson MacKenzie, explains this pattern of narcissistic abuse really well.

4. Hoover

Now he has gone to far and the victim reacts by travelling to the other side of the word in an attempt to ridd herself of this parasite feeding off her emotions.
He can see he is in real danger of loosing his source of narcissistic supply, which he values greatly and tries to stop her from detaching herself from him. He does not value the person or treat the person right, but he does value the narcissistic supply.

Iris sais:"What ever this twisted, toxic thing is, that is going on between us, it is now OVER !"

This "twisted, toxic thing" is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE.

The Holiday Iris Done With Jasper

Link to the video on youtube. The scene with Iris and Jasper starts at 0:35 seconds into this video clip.

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How did Iris get out of Narcissistic Abuse ?

1. She was at the bottom of the abusive cycle ( a good chance and time to get out) and could clearly see that he had really gone too far by any standards. She rejected his offer to go on yet another round of the abusive cycle and refused the next idealization phase (the trip to Venice etc.), because it became clear to her that the situation was not about love, but was something very twisted and toxic (narcissistic abuse).

2.  Putting physical distance between them helped, by protecting her from his daily manipulations and giving her time to think and recover and a chance to be in a new -memory free- environment.

3.  Her new friends played a big role, by providing a contrast.

Her new friends helped her by giving her real kindness, consideration and genuine appreciation. These real things are like whole food, while the narcissists attention and flattery are like junk food: addicting and fun to eat, but not nourishing and very unhealthy.

Her friends point out to her how his behaviour of staying in touch with her all the time and keeping her in love with him, is great for him and sucks for her.

The narcissist is creating and maintaining a one way attachment.

They also tell her she should insure she is the "leading lady" in her own life's story and not allow anyone else to push her into a minor role acting for them and their agenda.

The narcissist is like a one person cult and the narcissists life is like a movie with others around him/her being pushed into supporting roles to suit the narcissist and to uphold his false grandiose self image.

Iris makes a comment that she has been in therapie for three years and in those three years they weren't able to help her as much as her friend just did with his one comment.

This is a sad, but true statement about how effective and helpful some/many therapists are when it comes to narcissistic abuse !

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is on June 1st every year, to promote awareness of Narcissistic abuse in our society.

Irise's helpfulness and kindness are used against her (exploited) by the narcissist and almost appear as a weakness, when he gets her to do his work. But they are not a weakness. These are good qualities. When she comes in contact with the right person, these qualities are valued and are a win/ win for both people.

She meets her new friend, helping him out, when he has got lost. This new friend is the opposite of what a narcissist is. The narcissist is much more about the show than about having real substance. This friend has had some real and very impressive achievements in his life.  He doesn't pretend to be something he is not to gain narcissistic supply. He just IS talented and special. He is the real thing and a bit harder to spot than the narcissist with his neon flashlights on, telling people to look at his/her achievements, be they either real or more likely exaggerated.





In the other story in the movie you can see the contrast to a similar situation, but with a non-narcissist:
He is also cheating on her, lying to her, trying to blame her and all those unpleasant things, but he is not interested in feeding off her emotions to gain narcissistic supply. While she does internalise some of the blame, she is still able to kick him out of her life.

She stays in control of how she views the situation and what she is feeling about it.

The narcissist blame-shifts, confuses, twists reality, spoon-feeds, manipulates and takes power and control over the victims feelings.

A normal person is not addicted to narcissistic supply and has compassion with the other person.

It really is a horrible thing to do to someone else, to string a person along for as long as the narcissist can get away with feeding off the other persons emotional reactions.

Normal people don't have the need for this kind of attention.

The narcissist wants the victim devastated and unable to get over him/her, wants to be the center of the victims focus and attention and leaves the victim obsessing about him/her unable to think about anything else.

There is no consideration for the victim. Narcissists lack empathy.

In reality things might not be over with Iris putting the narcissist outside the door. She could expect some nastiness and slander to follow.

Inner Integration 

Relationship Patterns of Narcissistic Abuse: Commentary on "Psychopath Free" by Jackson MacKenzie

 

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