Inner integration - Why is love-bombing so dangerous?
The Difference Between the Beginning Phase of a Normal Relationship and the Idealisation Phase
In a normal relationship a person is also trying to impress the other person and show himself from his best side. So what is the difference?Apart from the fact that the narcissist uses lies and deceptions to impress the other person,
the big difference, is in the goal or objective.
What is the Goal of the Beginning Phase of a Normal Relationship?
The goal is a two way attachment.
Both sides want to find a person to love and to form a (two way) bond with. A person who is compatible and who you can get along with well.
What is the Narcissists Goal?
The goal is a one way attachment, in order to secure narcissistic supply. The narcissist also wants residual benefits and to copy character traits of the victim.Narcissistic supply is not only positive narcissistic supply, but also negative narcissistic supply !
If you understand this and the fact that they have no empathy, which would normally stop a person from doing this to someone else, the behavior starts to make sense.
The idealization phase is very intense, wonderful and usually much faster, than the beginning phase of a normal relationship.
It is also completely fake. The good feelings that the target feels during this beginning phase are generated in the target by the narcissist.
The good feelings in the target come from the narcissist monitoring the targets responses closely and giving the target whatever it takes to create these good feelings in him/her.
"Find out what you want, be that girl for a month !" quote from the Taylor Swift song: Blank Space. This song is linked on the Overview of Narcissistic Abuse page.
This video gives an explanation of why the idealisation phase is so powerful and it becomes clear why the beginning phase of a relationship with a narc is so much more emotionally intense, than with a normal relationship.
The narcissist is monitoring your reactions and adjusting his behaviour to these reactions !
Giving you whatever it is you want to see, acting whatever person you are looking for, lying and decievimg, mirroring your own values and ideals back at you !
HG Tudor gives valuable insights into the mind of the narcissist. Here is the narcissists perspective and some reasons for the behaviour.
The One Way Attachment the Narcissist Creates
There is a huge imbalance in the attachment between the victim and the narcissist :
The target gets very attached to the narcissist and even emotionally addicted to the emotional highs the narcissit is generating in the target,
while the narcissist remains inwardly unattached to the individual, but addicted to the narcissistic supply he is getting from that individual.
while the narcissist remains inwardly unattached to the individual, but addicted to the narcissistic supply he is getting from that individual.
The target loves the narcissist,
the narcissist loves the way the target loves and admires him !
(or more precisely: his grandiose false self)
The target develops a very deep bond and attachment to the narcissist. This strong bond, gives the narcissist power and control over the victim. The victim even becomes emotionally addicted to the intense emotional high generated by the narcissist at the beginning and the smaller highs later on.
"You can tell me afterwards, if the high was worth the pain",
quote from the song Blank space, Taylor Swift, which is linked on the overview page.
The narcissist has an attachment disorder and does not know how to feel attached to a person. He is only "attached" to the narcissistic supply, which he is hopelessly addicted to. He/she puts this addiction above everything else.
The narcissist is an addict for narcissistic supply.
The narcissist is in it for the narcissistic supply, the admiration, the victims positive and later negative emotions, to feel powerful, significant, to have his damaged self worth regulated from the outside (by someone else, because he can't regulate it himself).
He is in it for gaining other peoples character traits which he can then copy and use as his own, for benefits, residual benefits,
to have an emotional punching bag, a scapegoat for all his flaws and bad feelings, which he refuses to deal with and take responsibility for,
to have someone he can project those bad things INTO and make someone else FEEL them, to put someone else lower than he is, to make himsalf feel higher and better.
More about these things can be found on the devalue page and the narcissist page.
A Narcissists View on Attachment
Quotes from this video: "I do not know how to connect with someone. I have no idea how it is done. I can attach them to me, that is easy.....yet, for all of that power of attraction, which few can resist .... I do not know how to form an emotional attachment to someone..... I feel nothing,... there is no bond.... I remain unable to sense and experience it myself."
Attachment the Seat of Misery